Last week marked a week of break. It was finally March Break and we got lucky, with a snow day right before. :) Boy were we blessed (the high school ones!) We got Thursday, Friday and a full week off to rest and relax.
Jo however, had to go to Shawinigan as there was an important team meeting happening regarding his Dad and the services he will require as the disease continues to ravage his body.
I was not going up this time. I really wanted too and i really didn't. I'm quite frankly exhausted! Exhausted with everything that is on my plate. Work, family, house, my own mental health and well being as well as my husbands and my in-laws.
I initially wanted to go up. But in my plans, we were going at the beginning of the March Break so that we could come back mid-week and it would give me a few days to rest. Jo, got a call from the Hospital telling him about the appointment near the end of the week and wanted to go later. I didn't. Lets just say we had some strong words to exchange and then he uttered this one phrase.... " your not going. i'm not letting you go. You can't handle it." :-O W-H-A-T?! And the words that proceeded to come out of my mouth were defensive and agressive. How dare he tell me what to do.... how dare he imply that i can't handle it. I'm trying damn it!
Fast forward a few days... and i realize he's right. Maybe this was my opportunity to not try and control this precise situation. Maybe this was my opportunity to rest and recharge. I needed to be here for my kids; they wanted to spend some time with friends and they had activities that they were planning. My place was here. And so i stayed and he left.
Now.... when he left, it was very hard for me not to call him......... every few hours. I obviously am more comfortable when i am in control and in this precise moment, i was not. Ironically, the 3 most booked days in my calendar during this March Break were the days that Jo had gone. Me thinks someone up in Heaven had something to do with that.
As difficult as it was not to hound him with phone calls, i knew i needed to give him his space and when he was available and wanted to talk, i would be there, ready to listen. Except, i wasn't ...... OPS! Every time he kept calling, i was always busy somewhere and i needed to call him back or answer his questions quickly. Anyhoo, it panned out.
It was a busy two days and a half for him.
He had a few appointments to take care of.
He met with the Medical Team to talk about end of life preferences. They discussed what options we had and Fernand chose what options he was comfortable with. My father in law is now below 95 lbs. He's frail and fragile and there isn't much muscle left to cover his bones. He can still walk with his walker but we were warned it won't be too too long before that gives way.
He will not be intubated and will not be put on a breathing monitor. They will be making him as comfortable as possible given the pain he is suffering and we are praying every night that the Lord delivers him for all his sorrows.
ALS is unfortunately a very unforgiving disease. It reeks havoc on your body and you are trapped seeing this unfold in front of your eyes and not being able to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure this is not how he envisioned his life would end. And it makes it that much more saddening.
Jo noticed that at the end of the meeting, his father had a very sad face. And that's when he realized his poor father is still hoping for a medical miracle. He's still hoping that the doctors will tell him that everything can be fixed.
But it won't. Because it can't.
So every day, we walk with him through this terrible sickness and every day we are reminded to put our trust in the Lord and pray that he deliver him from this sorrow. Someday he will. Maybe not quite yet; but in due time.
